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Samirai Kek
Samirai Kek is a short story written by Taakefield Kekstaad. It tells the story of the origins of the PCUN Samirai Kawashibe of the 50th Paintool Sai and how his conflict came to be with the CDP Cucku of the 50th Paintool Sai. Featured Characters * PCUN Samirai Kawashibe of the 50th Paintool Sai * SEX Shishishishinichinchin Migi of the 50th Paintool Sai * CDP Cucku of the 50th Paintool Sai * SPUNK Mikannibal Korpse of the 50th Paintool Sai * SHM Yu of the 12th Dripping Mammary * 3WHB Varges Vixen of the 89th Cripsy Foreskin Flake The Original Text (A gnarly aged voice sounds) Long ago, in a distant land, I, Cucku, the shitposting lord of memery, unleashed an unspeakable kek. But a foolish man of jensituity wielding a magic keyboard stepped forth to oppose me. (Penis clashing sounds) Before the final blow was cucked, I tore open a portal in time and flung him into the future where my memes are law. Now the fool seeks to return to the past, and undo the memes that are Cucku. This is the dong-gripping tale of…''' '''SAMIRAI KEK Created by taakefield kekstaad At this point one can hear the theme song playing. The old tune is quite obscure, but it probably went something like this: Gotta go wank I’m not a hack Samirai Kek *skek noises* And it repeats infinitely with random interjections of the word ‘kek’ throughout the song. What a masterpiece for sure, since the author commissioned none other than the prolific avant-rock band Prometheus Omega to compose the soundtrack for this award-winning film. The tale begins in the mysterious distant land of the 50th Paintool Sai. To the eyes of the common man, it delights with its almost painting-like beauty, as if the creator of this land was quite the aesthete. It is the oriental homeland of the aforementioned then-PWAR Samirai Kawashibe, a young pleasure warrior who trained under the sign of the classical piano. His ambitions led him to form the intrepid group of raiders known to many as Yawn, which included many interesting individuals, the most notable of which were the axe-wielding then-Cuntstable Shishishishinichinchin Migi and the saxophone-slaved SPUNK Mikannibal Korpse. The group had the great intention of being accepted into the high courts of the 6th Gah Seelah Bracken, where they could dabble in things most black and kvlt. Unfortunately, Yawn’s future was ultimately destroyed by the uncontrollable pleasure of Migi. It happened on a cloudy afternoon when the members of Yawn were engaging in their daily masturbation ritual to the Venom, an antiquated meme that many believe to have originated from the 6th Gah Seelah Bracken. Migi suddenly acquired a vision from a land beyond, sending him into a raging frenzy. “The Purile Aluminiums have called to me!” he cried, flailing wildly and destroying many a semen-filled teacup, getting the tatami floor in a mess. “I need to seek the waifus!” And with that, he departed swiftly from the 50th Paintool Sai for the 31st Weebanese Shitlands, bringing with him only his axe and a few paintings of his penis. Kawashibe was gravely upset by this occurrence, marking the beginning of his hatred for the Purile Aluminiums and weebery in general. With the vanishing of Migi, the other members of Yawn fell into a time of confusion, where many of them eventually chose to follow in the footsteps of Migi and pursue the seemingly mystical path of weebery. The ones who did not manage to leave were the elderly members who were completely dry of any fluids, deeming them rather useless to Yawn. With this came the disbandment of the group, much to the chagrin of Kawashibe. Despite all of this, Kawashibe and his SPUNK Mikannibal Korpse continued to pursue the path to the 6th Gah Seelah Bracken. All was going rather smoothly until the very last day of Kawashibe’s kvlty cycles ritual, which needed to be completed in order for him to be accepted into the ranks of the 6th Gah Seelah Bracken. As Kawashibe was about to offer his foreskin to the MYS-1 Ee-san Vegan-Garde, the Pleasuremonger watching over the 6th Gah Seelah Bracken, he was attacked by a mysterious evil force. He averted his eyes to the window, where he spotted a strange dark penis-like shape that had great fiery eyes and menacing teeth. “Hahahahaha!” laughed the thing. “I am CDP Cucku of the 50th Paintool Sai, the shitposting master of memery! I have dwelled for many years in slumber within the core of this planet, but now I have awakened once again to shower the greatest of kek and flak upon the land!” Before Kawashibe could realise, Cucku swiped his foreskin out of his hands and consumed it. “No!” Kawashibe cried. “My only entry into the ranks of the 6th Gah Seelah Bracken!” “This is only the beginning of my reign of kek, fool!” Cucku guffawed in a most kekitious manner. Consumed by rage, Kawashibe unsheathed his magical keyboard and began playing a most shrill and ear-piercing riff. “Agh, could this be the Imaginary Sonic Rape that I have heard about?!” Cucku screeched. “I shall end you before you make listen to the entirety of that 34-minute long progressive wankery!” With a flourish of his spindly hands, Cucku opened a portal in time and flung Kawashibe into the future. Somehow, Mikannibal was also flung. Cucku had the greatest kek and proceeded to spread his memes throughout the lands. Kawashibe found himself in the Elbinian Court and realised that he had arrived in a time too distant from his own. He approached the wise SHM Yu of the 12th Dripping Mammary for advice. “You inquire of the CDP Cucku of the 50th Paintool Sai? Interesting. Perhaps you will find your answer after you do some stuff in the fap room over there.” And so he did. After an intense jizz, Kawashibe was enlightened on the history of the elusive CDP Cucku. A long time ago, when the Pleasuremongers were birthed from the great mother-cum-father, there was a great memetic force in the universe that existed alongside the forces of pleasure. The Land of Penile Undulation was showered in the great concepts of pleasure and the kek. The constantly shifting force of kek evolved in many great forms, some of it becoming the rare artifacts of kek known as memes and some growing in the minds of the pleasure people as a spiritual force. However, some parts of the kek went out of control and it appeared that a very small portion of that took the shape of a great black penis with fiery eyes and menacing teeth. It vowed to spread its memes throughout the land and envelop the world in total kekitry. Kawashibe realised that he was simply an unfortunate victim of Cucku’s many trivial ruses. After checking the record books in the Eye in the Sky, he realised that Cucku earned his status as a Cumdump for being too obsessive as a doler of kek, though it was also mainly because Cucku’s appearance was too meme-like. After much inquiring, Kawashibe and Mikannibal headed for the 31st Weebanese Shitlands, which many believe to be Cucku’s favourite chill spot. To their surpruse, they encountered Shishishishinichinchin Migi, who had become a Sexlord. It seemed that he spent this huge gap in time pursuing nothing but weebery, and had amassed quite a large following of weeaboos. Kawashibe cringed and left the scene immediately. It appeared that the CDP Cucku was holed up in a shady place known as the Dakimakurian Chasm, a deep ravine littered with many disposed pillows featuring pictures of waifus. Kawashibe descended and found Cucku listening to the new Purile Aluminiums CD, which was objectively a load of crap. Annoyed, Kawashibe unleashed a riff most violent on his magic keyboard, surprusing Cucku and making his Purile Aluminiums CD shatter into pieces. “Fool!” Cucku screeched, his fiery eyeballs dancing erratically. “That was the very last of the limited edition CDs! Agh!!” And so they fought a long battle which lasted quite a few days. “Hahahaha!” Cucku laughed. “It seems this will forever be a stalemate! You won’t be able to get your foreskin back unless you slice open my belly!” In utmost exasperation, Kawashibe let out a sigh, where his voice had transformed into one most aged and gnarly. ...aAaAaAaAaAaAaAaAaAaAaAaAaAaAaAa... “Agh, what a horrid sound!” Cucku complained. Kawashibe retreated for the moment, for he knew he needed to find a way to slay the apparently unkillable Cucku. He turned back to his main path for the time being, which was to seek the 6th Gah Seelah Bracken. A few weeks later he finally arrived the in the accursed wintry land. He was greeted by the 3WHB Varges Vixen of the 89th Crispy Foreskin Flake. “Aha!” said the bearded fellow. “Perhaps we shall induct you into our association, known as the Korny Kvltists! Since you show quite the conviction, I shall bestow upon you the rank of Petty Cuntstable!” And so he became the PCUN Samirai Kawashibe of the 50th Paintool Sai, a member of the Korny Kvltists of the 6th Gah Seelah Bracken, aided by his saxophone-slaved SPUNK Mikannibal Korpse of the 50th Paintool Sai. To this day he still seeks his foreskin lost in the belly of the CDP Cucku, who still dwells in the Dakimakurian Chasm of the 31st Weebanese Shitlands jerking it to the Purile Aluminiums every single day. However, on certain days, Cucku leaves the Dakimakurian Chasm to socialise in the Grand Weeaboo Temple constructed by the Sexlord Shishishishinichinchin Migi of the 50th Paintool Sai. He usually goes about the day roughly according to the schedule below: The inhabitants of the 31st Weebanese Shitlands deem the PCUN Samirai Kawashibe as quite a Man of Jensituity. They have no problems with welcoming him into their land since they see his violent reaction to weeby substances as quite the kek. Kawashibe rarely ventures into the lands though except for unexpected times when he conducts raids on the Dakimakurian Chasm in an attempt to slay Cucku. Unfortunately, most of the time, he fails. Unable to slay Cucku, he makes a shift in his plans to ruse the Cumdump instead. And so a grand game of ruse is played out between the PCUN Samirai Kawashibe and the CDP Cucku, with the former making most of the offensive moves while the latter merely waits to dole out the kek. Trivia * The keyboard sounds played by Kawashibe sound like this.